If you’ll please turn in your hymnal to ...

Of all the voluntary positions that ensure the survival of the human race, the most confounded is the church musician.

For purposes here, "voluntary" means the pastor has polled the congregation only to find all the real musicians wanted too much money to sing on Sunday morning and they suggested your name instead - as a cheap, ah, to be kind, more inexpensive option.

Pity the poor cleric who after seeking a Grammy award winner, has to settle for us. Church musicians. Better known as church rats. That’s who we are. Taking advantage of the pew sitters. Reconfiguring their membership. Making them our choir.

Or our back up singers.

Please understand us church rats. We sing at church for two reasons.

1. We have undertaken a life long mission to assure our Moms the money spent on music lessons was actually a good investment, after all and â€-

2. The bars won’t hire us.

Now church musicians are not grudge-holding types. Bar owners expect a certain level of professionalism and musical promotion of products.

Even though many church tunes today came from scores written in taverns, there aren’t that many processional and recessional songs that encourage beer-drinking.

The sermon does that.

However, enduring six stanzas of off-key, 10 a.m. Sunday music can drive the most sacred among us to drink.

Not included in the church rat montage are the paid church musicians, of whom there are scant few. These people know what they are doing. They recognize a key signature. And what song comes next. And they can transpose. While they are playing.

Church rats scurry through the hymnal, searching, seconds before the Meditation song is to be sung. For a Meditation song.

We typically refuse to plan the agenda of four songs for worship. We opt instead to "let the spirit of the service move us."

We only know four songs. Two of which we learned in the bar on Saturday night.

If you find you need to attend a service outside of your holy domain, you can immediately ascertain whether you have a church rat or a professional leading the music. Just listen to the first few bars, ah, measures.

Did the musician select a key requiring everyone to sing falsetto?

Is the musician holding their hymnal right side up?

Does the musician turn the page to get to verse four, or just sing verse one again?

Does middle C at the beginning of the verse seem to have the same tone as middle C at the end of the refrain?

While diving into the last stanza, does the singer use a tambourine or triangle? If they use a hi-hat, cover your ears.

Speaking on behalf of church rats everywhere, I would ask for your prayers. In addition to the ones you weekly offer for a new musician. It might help if you are aware of the official church rat mantra.

"Prayer ascends: inspired by music, or in spite of it."

Don Cunningham of Fremont is a regular contributor to the Tribune’s Opinion page.